Breathlessly Simple

Souldolls

I am lusting after one of these doll so bad...You can see more, along with many other kinds of dolls at http://dollsandfriends.com/souldolls.html

Devon started job searching today after she realized that I can't even afford to get her a futon. That so sucks...that I can't even provide my kid with a bed. Right now, she is sleeping on my bed and I am sleeping on the couch. (which I like better than a bed anyhow)

I've started to have pain this week. Don't know if its tumor related or from chemo...My back hurts and I have shooting pains across the chest that go down into my arms. To say my sleep is disturbed would be an understatement. I have screamed twice now while asleep,  waking Devon each time, running into the living room to see if I am alright. I haven't been able to remember the dreams or whatever makes me cry out aloud like that. One night, I had continuous muscle spasms that went all over my body. So I was put on Flexeril (sp?) and more codiene and everything feels ok now except the back.

I'd like to thank MaryBeth and Judy for the wonderful cards! MB, the past is over and all we have is now, so its all so much water under the bridge. I had alot of growing up still left to do at one time...

Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden

Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden
Devon and I are taking a field trip here in the next couple days. That makes me happy. I'm trying to convince her to start doing her art again, so perhaps we can sit there and paint or draw...I know that she is going to buy me some Dover Coloring Books for when I am at Chemo and for the evenings at home. Especially for Chemo, I can't really concentrate to do much, so putting colors in-between already made lines sounds wonderful. I'm really sort of bored with knitting and want to work on her learning more knitting tricks instead. She is going to try an afghan and I offered to help work on it with her.

I freecycled my mandevilla and 3 gorgeous Boston ferns. I can't keep anything alive indoors unless that is the environment it has been grown in. The woman who took them lost all her plants in a fire....so I bet she'll love them into beauty.

Rise Above

Why is it that the person who always takes charge of things like when a co-worker needs a card or something, is always the person who really could care less? Its a puzzling thing and must say more about flash then anything...

I got my "Home" book back after being out in circulation for 2 years! Its in perfect shape and the only art I don't care for in it, is my own. No problem though....I'll just create over it. I want to thank all the women in the group who participated. It looks so much different than an altered book. Cleaner, less "parts", etc.

Having this diagnosis really pushes you up against a wall when you realize that you have to decide what intolerances and grudges you are going to let go and which ones aren't even worth the effort to respond to. You really have to rise above your everyday self and let most go. Most of the time they aren't worth holding onto at all. It all comes down to dignity NOT pride. Others want to absolve themselves as well with you and considering it takes two to tango, I see no reason why I shouldn't feel the same towards them. There are a few hurts that are so deep that all I would be able to say is "its ok" now and continue on my way, but I do have one that I need to work with before I die...my mother's family. My cousin Lesley wrote me and it took me days to answer..."Thank you for your kind thoughts." I did mean that but I don't think I can forgive her for the past, unless there was some acknowledgement of responsibility. I know people put up with my mouth and attitude for years but then when I finally got sober, they all just disappeared. I was no longer allowed to see my bedridden aunt because my uncle said I was too affectionate. What the fuck was that? I have never been known for being overly affectionate. I was either perceived as together and stone cold or a neurotic self absorbed mess.

Yummy

The tests on Monday show that my lungs are very able to take the radiation. Fun, fun!

Monday afternoon, I also saw an oncology social worker. I've never been to an MSW before and it was quite different then seeing a psychatrist or a psychologist. I felt like a kid in 2nd grade talking to their super sweet guidance counselor. Its worth going out to Pathways because its a beautiful restored mansion in the woods and so incredibly peaceful. I start group counselling next Tuesday. I don't know that I need "counselling" but I am sure a support group will only be a benefit. I know that when I was in rehab, part of my self healing was helping others that were in worse shape then me. There is a caregiving class that starts next week but I don't know if Devon will attend. I told her, but I am not going to push. Thursday night, there is a nutritionist speaking and I did ask her to go with me to that.

NUTRITION! Bless my kid! I am eating like I havent in over 3 years. Not junk but a mix of different foods. I forgot that I liked food! Seriously....I had just quit really eating. Since she has been here, I have had a salad every day and really enjoyed it. We had blt's for lunch today. I am hungry again! I'm really not worried about getting any heavier then I am as these aren't "empty" calories. So I plan to eat well at least until radiation starts on 11/22 :) Roasted chicken, steak from the grill with butter, sweet corn, all sorts of squashes....I could go on and on. I think my appetite is back also because the chemo seems to have erradicated my copd breathing problems as of now.

Tyrolean Thought (hee!)

Are you an Austrian Liberatarian?  What the heck....I took this but I had to think too much and I am not sure my thinking is clear. I agreed with 10 Austrian points, 7 Keynesian/Neoclassical points, 5 Socialist points, and 3 Chicago points. I hope I am correct in assuming these are schools of economic theory....  So what does it all mean? I haven't a hint :)

Without Going Out of My Door

I think I've captured a bit of the essence of Eastern thought. Last night, I was winding yarn, thinking...oh my god, I'm dying....and I am sitting here in front of the tv on the couch knitting. I'm still not real ill so there's a bell going off  in my head Dingdingding (And a chemo ear buzz) and I think...wow, I should be with Devon in NM or Paris or something. I'm "wasting" time. Then, when I awoke this morning still fatigued, I sat and played 3 hours of Zuma and Bejeweled, mourning the thought that I might die before I ever finish the complete damn Zuma game. HA! And then I started to think about the fact that whatever I make or someone else makes me, wherever I go that I think I should before the end....NONE of it really matters. Because there will be nothing that I can hold physically, no one that can follow me on this particular path, no game triumph to brag about. Its pointless to buy anything really, no matter how much I've wanted something in the past. It all turns around then to being content in the moment and leaving what I can to the living. (i'm sure this is just the beginning of such pondering and i pray that my writing ability starts moving ahead of my brain because right now, i dont feel as if I am expressing myself very well.) (its sometimes called the despicable "chemo brain")

photo by Anne Arden MacDonald

We Will Return

to other things besides "the cancer" in the future. However, obviously, its the focal point right now. I never liked journals that went on and on about how ill people were, but it is a very good outlet for oneself.  I am really glad I left Live Journal when I did. I know that I just wouldn't have felt comfortable posting freely there, without a head nod to everyone that responds.

Tomorrow between 11 and 3, I have four appointments. Egads! One pulmonary test at St. Joe's,  two more pulmonary tests at Mission, and then an appointment with an oncology social worker at Pathways. I feel like I just want to get this all done, but I know thats not a reality. Do I really have to wait 3 more weeks until I sit in that damn chemo chair again?  If I am a radiation candidate, I'm sure I'll be cured of my anxiousness having to go 5 days a week.

I always am surprised in times of trouble or sorrow, who comes through with support. Most of the time, its never the people I expect...

Old Friends

Just wanted to post for the wonderfully kind email my friend Meg wrote a Yahoo Group:

Sad news....

As some of you may or may not know, Jen Swanson was diagnosed recently
with lung cancer. For more information on her condition, visit her blog:

http://circe8.typepad.com/breathlessly_simple/

I think it would mean a great deal to Jen to hear from the C&S
community. Jen was instrumental in helping C&S get started; many of
the members of this group came from Jen's group, Altered Lives which
was, I think, one of the best gatherings of artists brought together
at one time and place. It was through the ATC Exchange on AL, that C&S
came to be. Even though Jen has not been active for many months, she
requested to be kept on the list, just to keep up with people and
their ATC work.

I am wondering if any in the group would be interested in trying to
put something together for Jen that would be a gift from the group as
a whole-I'm open to ideas-and you can contact me either off or onlist.

Also, if you have a moment, you can write to Jen at her blog or:

Jenifer Swanson
45 Sixth St
Asheville, NC 28804

email is:  jswanson92@charter.net 

Thanks- I appreciate your time-

best,
meg


Thanks so much Meg~

Cycle 1 Over

On Wednesday, I spent 2 and half hours in the chair doing chemo. I slept through it all which was nice. Thursday was about an hour and a half and there was a real loud pretty funny group of women in there so that was amusing.

So I made it through the first round without getting sick although I did have about every anti-nausea drug they make pumped in to my veins and put into my mouth :) Nothing like prevention (yeah right) Yesterday was rough though. I have to be on steriods for 3 days and they always mess me up without the added attractions that are going on now. The cough has come back (none during my 3 chemo days) and I have thrush in my mouth. My skin is a mottled red. I'm jumpy but wish I could sleep.

I was already awarded a death sentence last October (COPD) but it was a much gentler, nebulous sort of blow. You could live 1 year or 30. Alot depends on what numerous viruses and bacterias you can avoid. But this new execution order has a much shorter stay and I am hitting the depression that I expected to run into. While I love the model Kubhler-Ross worked up on the stages of grief/death and dying, I know that it will run its course in me as need be and not by chart. My poor daughter is just a rollercoaster of emotion right now and I DO feel very strong telling her that its okay to feel ANYTHING about what is going on. It helps me to support her.

My cancer is an odd one. Its found in 20-30 percent of lung cancer cases. It is particuliarly aggressive but initially responds well to chemo if you are one of the "lucky" ones (another 20-30 percent) where it is found in the limited stage. (one lung and adjoining lymph node) However, my tumor at 2.4 centimeters and with scattered small nodules is too large to operate on. I have come in darn close also to the radiation field limit but we think that might be a go. So say it responds and goes into remission. Great! NOT REALLY! Then I have to decide if I want cranial irradiation to prevent any forthcoming brain metasises and that really doesnt rescue me from the 85 percent chance I will get it again and it will not be retreated except for comfort.

I'll write more later. Its a beautiful day and I want to go sit in the sun and smell the sweet air.

Asheville Bloggers

I REALLY want to thank all you Asheville Bloggers for the support. I didn't even think most of you knew I existed. Perhaps I'll show up fashionably pale and hairless at the next get together! Hee! Seriously, I so appreciate the kind and wonderful thoughts!