I have spent the last two days going through books that Matt brought down from Detroit. I'm not even half done. I am finding double and triple copies of things and oddities bought from who knows were... When my father died in 1999, I still was pretty messed up and deep in a mix of grief and giddyness (i have always perceived my dad as my hero, my savior, but also my strongest oppressor) and I must have just blew a ton of the inheritence on these books. There are so many of them, most of them i had wanted to read, but now they all seem rather pointless. Ever since I found out about the cancer, I have been wanting to trim down, divest myself of possessions, but they seem endless. Concert reviews, old tickets, old glassware, pamphlets, cookbooks, tchotchzes (sp?), drawings, pens and pencils, art supplies...I really dont want any of them now. Yet, still that lingering doubt...I might need it. I keep running out to the curb with armfuls of vinyl lps everytime it sprinkles so that I have no hope of saving them. (most are worn anyhow and I dont have a turntable) We just have too much in this life. Too many songs to remember, too many books to read, to much info overload and it all just blobs together into this undulating mass of junk in my head. I've freecycled books like crazy to one particular woman who lives nearby and am selling what I feel I can, but there are still too many. I dont have the patience now to play the freecycle will you or wont you pick up game right now with all the other items.

I'm still finding it difficult to reach out and contact anyone. I make attempts and then walk away from the keyboard or the paper.

My car battery is dead. All the galvanized pipes under my house and to the street have to be replaced (3000 dollars) and the water bill is at 1000 for 2 months. (mostly forgivable if I get the pipes fixed) I'm waiting to hear on a home equity loan and am a bit keyed up about that.

Steriods are done for the month, so now I will enter the "weak" week after chemo. I hate those damn steroids anyhow. I cant believe that I liked speed when I was younger. I keep thinking that on my good days that I should be volunteering or something but I have absolutely no motivation. Its troublesome sometimes.

Comments

[elsa]

You're a beautiful writer. Your blog is astonishing. Everything you write just exudes off the page.

Good luck with the chemo. I hope it goes easier than you anticipate. And thanks for posting. Your words are a rare treat.

[Kristin]

Thinking of you. I imagine you are getting a lot of rain, so I'm picturing your trash pile growing.

I'm doing the same thing... paring down on belongings. For example, how many ill fitting bras does one need? When do I ever choose to wear the bra with the underwire bent inward... that I've been keeping for a breast containing emergency? The day never quite arrives that I think, "Today is the day I need to wear the bra with the strap tied to the back in a lump knot."

[enchy]

xx