Breathlessly Simple

Cycle 1 Over

On Wednesday, I spent 2 and half hours in the chair doing chemo. I slept through it all which was nice. Thursday was about an hour and a half and there was a real loud pretty funny group of women in there so that was amusing.

So I made it through the first round without getting sick although I did have about every anti-nausea drug they make pumped in to my veins and put into my mouth :) Nothing like prevention (yeah right) Yesterday was rough though. I have to be on steriods for 3 days and they always mess me up without the added attractions that are going on now. The cough has come back (none during my 3 chemo days) and I have thrush in my mouth. My skin is a mottled red. I'm jumpy but wish I could sleep.

I was already awarded a death sentence last October (COPD) but it was a much gentler, nebulous sort of blow. You could live 1 year or 30. Alot depends on what numerous viruses and bacterias you can avoid. But this new execution order has a much shorter stay and I am hitting the depression that I expected to run into. While I love the model Kubhler-Ross worked up on the stages of grief/death and dying, I know that it will run its course in me as need be and not by chart. My poor daughter is just a rollercoaster of emotion right now and I DO feel very strong telling her that its okay to feel ANYTHING about what is going on. It helps me to support her.

My cancer is an odd one. Its found in 20-30 percent of lung cancer cases. It is particuliarly aggressive but initially responds well to chemo if you are one of the "lucky" ones (another 20-30 percent) where it is found in the limited stage. (one lung and adjoining lymph node) However, my tumor at 2.4 centimeters and with scattered small nodules is too large to operate on. I have come in darn close also to the radiation field limit but we think that might be a go. So say it responds and goes into remission. Great! NOT REALLY! Then I have to decide if I want cranial irradiation to prevent any forthcoming brain metasises and that really doesnt rescue me from the 85 percent chance I will get it again and it will not be retreated except for comfort.

I'll write more later. Its a beautiful day and I want to go sit in the sun and smell the sweet air.

Asheville Bloggers

I REALLY want to thank all you Asheville Bloggers for the support. I didn't even think most of you knew I existed. Perhaps I'll show up fashionably pale and hairless at the next get together! Hee! Seriously, I so appreciate the kind and wonderful thoughts!

Chemo 1

My daughter went home to Michigan last night to finalize things there. She should be back early next week. I've wanted her back with me for awhile but surely not under these circumstances.

I plan to continue blogging but the last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of activity and emotion. There is a lot more than I imagined in fighting cancer. Considering I would have passed on within 10-12 weeks without treatment, I just try to count my blessings that it was found so early. I still have a very bleak future, but every smile from Devon and every need from my cats, makes all this worth it. I guess I'll just have to imagine a granddaughter.

Financially, my butt is already kicked and I even have an HMO and short/long term disability and a wonderful ex who helps all he can. I wanted to leave what equity that I have in the house alone so that Devon could use that to finish up my estate and perhaps have a choice whether she wanted to keep it. If (and knowing Asheville its a big one) she could get a decent bartending job, this would cost her much less than renting a home in Detroit.

Chemo today was exhausting. Yes I just sat in a chair for 8 hours. (I think I'd rather be at work) I didn't have a cigarette the whole time which for me is a miracle but I think my anti-nausea drug (Emend - 3 pills are 300 dollars- I pay 50) helped me to sleep. The only thing I have right now (and I dont think its related to the chemo) is a frigging headache. They are doing the iv through my hand...and the first chemo of each cycle is a long one consisting of 4 bags of different medicines that slowly drip in. The second and third day are one-two hours and then I rest for three weeks. Then we start over again. This first round, we are trying to shrink the tumor so that the radiation field becomes smaller. etc. Also my COPD damage comes into play but that is too complicated to discuss right now.

I got beautiful flowers from Gerald and Liz, 2 cards from work, and from the best guy in the world (my ex) a laptop. Thanks for everyone's generousity. Thanks to all of you who wished me the best!

Prognosis

6.2 Small Cell Lung Cancer
6.2.1 Limited Stage Disease 
The prognosis of limited stage SCLC patients that receive no therapy is poor with a median survival of only 10-12 weeks. The median survival of patients treated with radiotherapy alone is 5-6 months and long term survivors are uncommon. Combined modality therapy as recommended by the BCCA Lung Tumour Group increases the median survival to 18 to 24 months and the probability of long-term (5-year)survival is 20-25%. Treatment Modalities for Limited SCLC Guideline: Limited stage small cell lung cancer patients should receive treatment with curative intent combining thoracic irradiation with chemotherapy. Level of Evidence: I Grade of Recommendation: A Meta-analyses of sixteen randomised trials comparing chemotherapy alone versus chemotherapy plus thoracic irradiation for limited stage SCLC demonstrated a highly significant survival benefit for combined modality therapy (Payne, 1992, Pignon 1992). As soon as the diagnosis of limited SCLC is assigned, patients should have consultation from both medical and radiation oncologists for planning of integrated therapy. Since this is a curable neoplasm, therapy should be given according to a published protocol or a clinical trial protocol rather than assembled in an arbitrary fashion. The treatment plan should be commenced without unnecessary delay. 

Copyright © 2005. BC Cancer Agency. All Rights Reserved. I

Damn damn spot

I have small cell lung cancer. I see an oncologist today.

Get Out Now Damn Spot

To have a "mass" growing inside one, is a bit strange. Be it benign, maliglent, or the start of scarring with serious consequences, it does feel like an alien invasion. But it is not. It is my own body and I own the "mass" just as I own my own hands or feet. I am a bit scared yet have an attitude of resignation which essentially speaks that "what is to be, will be." I should know the results tomorrow. If it is not cancer, then what is it? What are the next steps? I think that unknowing is scarier then the thought of death. And if it is cancerous, what was one of my first thoughts? I don't want to lose my hair....

M. Scott Peck

I'm sad to learn that M. Scott Peck has died. It may not be popular to admit, but I found the "Road Less Traveled" to be only one of the three self help genre books that shifted some of my ways of looking at things. (the other two being "Care of the Soul" and "How to Survive the Loss of a Love") I was disheartened by his later movement toward a Christian viewpoint, but for me, it had no affect of lessening the message in the original book.

He wrote another book that I found fascinating, People of the Lie. I remember well his discussion of the banality of evil and how it enlarged my understanding of people that we deem sociopaths and borderline personalities. There was one story in there that really grabbed my attention of what true twisted evil is....paraphrasing...There were 2 parents whom had 2 sons. They doted on the older one. Eventually the older one commited suicide with a rifle that was a gift from his parents. The following Christmas, the parents gifted that gun to their youngest son.

The bronchoscopy has laid waste to my upper nasal cavities. I am in a lot of pain and my nose has been running for 10 straight hours. Tomorrow when I call for my possible diagnosis, I will try to get some painkillers.