Breathlessly Simple

I have spent the last two days going through books that Matt brought down from Detroit. I'm not even half done. I am finding double and triple copies of things and oddities bought from who knows were... When my father died in 1999, I still was pretty messed up and deep in a mix of grief and giddyness (i have always perceived my dad as my hero, my savior, but also my strongest oppressor) and I must have just blew a ton of the inheritence on these books. There are so many of them, most of them i had wanted to read, but now they all seem rather pointless. Ever since I found out about the cancer, I have been wanting to trim down, divest myself of possessions, but they seem endless. Concert reviews, old tickets, old glassware, pamphlets, cookbooks, tchotchzes (sp?), drawings, pens and pencils, art supplies...I really dont want any of them now. Yet, still that lingering doubt...I might need it. I keep running out to the curb with armfuls of vinyl lps everytime it sprinkles so that I have no hope of saving them. (most are worn anyhow and I dont have a turntable) We just have too much in this life. Too many songs to remember, too many books to read, to much info overload and it all just blobs together into this undulating mass of junk in my head. I've freecycled books like crazy to one particular woman who lives nearby and am selling what I feel I can, but there are still too many. I dont have the patience now to play the freecycle will you or wont you pick up game right now with all the other items.

I'm still finding it difficult to reach out and contact anyone. I make attempts and then walk away from the keyboard or the paper.

My car battery is dead. All the galvanized pipes under my house and to the street have to be replaced (3000 dollars) and the water bill is at 1000 for 2 months. (mostly forgivable if I get the pipes fixed) I'm waiting to hear on a home equity loan and am a bit keyed up about that.

Steriods are done for the month, so now I will enter the "weak" week after chemo. I hate those damn steroids anyhow. I cant believe that I liked speed when I was younger. I keep thinking that on my good days that I should be volunteering or something but I have absolutely no motivation. Its troublesome sometimes.

A Bit of Hope

Well it turns out that the migraines were caused from one anti-nausea med that I was taking. So thats all solved and well. I started radiation on Tuesday and finished a third chemo cycle yesterday and so far no problems. I got some very good news in that my main tumor has decreased from 2.4 centimers to under 1.0 and three nodules deep in the lung are gone. I'm not sure about the remaining tumor as it is in the lymph gland and I forgot to ask.

My only pain has been some increased lower back pain (which I've always had anyhow). Fatigue has set in a bit but that is because my hemoglobin is really low. I received a shot of Procrit for that.

Dev and I are getting along great. She already quit Penny's which was just as well because she spent everything she earned there. Right now she's got a "tiny" job, tending bar on Fri. and Sat. at Ichaban Steak House. Weird.

Matt came down the day before Thanksgiving. We had a real nice peaceful 4 days together. It was wonderful to see him again. Something about him brings a calmness to my life. We really didn't do anything too special. I think for me the most special thing was just to hear him snore in the next room....Silly I know but true.

Thanks to Anne in the Netherlands for the card and a shout out to Vance who I will answer someday. I'm on steroids right now so I have a bit of energy but I dont know for how long. If I'm invited, I think I will go to the Home Depot party....

Pc Game

Can anyone recommend a really awesome PC game? (PS I hate the Sims) All I hve right now are Zuma, Jeopardy, and stuff like that. I do love Bejeweled 2 because it takes me to that peaceful timeless zone that happens whem I am drawing....

How to explain my hesitancy in communicating two ways with friends? I think it is all about simplifying. Sometimes, this knowledge I have about my likely lifespan, overwhelms me. I've dropped email lists, have given and sold alot of my library, thrown out half my kitchen, and donated clothes to Goodwill. I haven't called my half brother back or written my cousins (all 3 that still talk to me). Alot of times, I just don't feel so great. Chemo puts me down for at least a week. I fatigue relatively easy. I can't really say if these are the reasons, but they are what I suspect.

Devon and I had a wonderful day last Sunday. We first stopped for a sushi snack at Zen Sushi . ( I used to LOVE sushi now I generally feel lukewarm about it)  They have something called the Pacific Roll which is just amazing. The only things that I can remember that are in it (besides the obvious rice and seaweed) are tempura sweet potato and lobster mousse. Its definitely one of the rolls where you have to pop the whole thing in your mouth to really experience what it is. Then we went to JC Penny (where Devon is currently enslaved) because they were having a great employee sale. I got a beautiful embroidered comforter/quilt for my couch (ie bed), an Oster 3 in 1 beeline blender, a nice pair of pants  and shirt  and sweater  (my first unused outfit in years), and a set of huge drinking glasses. She took me to this store she loved, Hollister.  I haven't been to a mall in years so everything looked all new and crazy to me. (same experience when I went in a Best Buy recently) Then we went to eat at Bouchon downtown but they were closed. We decided to succumb to chain madness as we had never heard of Longhorn Steakhouse. Everything was wonderful and I fell in love with the Firecracker Chicken Wraps. Then home to marvel over how much money we shouldn't have spent.

Tuesday I went in for a brain MRI and Yeah...I am still cancer free up there. So it looks as if the headaches may be tied into the steroids. My dr. says its just something that I have to deal with and loaded me up with oxycodone. Friday, I had labs and my wbc and hemoglobin are pretty much inline with what they were last time at this point in the cycle.

I am so happy! My ex is coming for Thanksgiving. He will arrive on Wednesday and stay till Saturday. It will be so nice to spend some time with him. He is also bringing all the stuff I left up in Detroit, so that will be cool.

Back and Intact

Wow, I have had a pretty difficult two weeks and not from anything that was in the least expected. It started 2 Tuesdays ago, after Chemo, with the migraine that had hit me the first time I had Chemo. Well the head thing just hasn't quit. I have had a headache for about 10 days now! I'm a bit concerned there maybe metastasized cells in my brain that weren't developed enough to catch on the MRI. Migraine is NOT a side effect of chemotherapy. So the oncologist on duty that Tuesday, prescribed Percocet which I have gone through at an alarming rate. They get rid of the headache but as soon as they wear off BOOM, its back. I'm not allowed to take aspirin and Ibuprofen doesnt touch it. I would feel like a junkie going through so many opiate pills IF I got any pleasure from them but they are just like taking vitamins or something when you need them. No buzz at all. So Monday, I'll get in touch with my dr., Dr. Collins and see what we need to do. On Tuesday, I am scheduled for a chest CT and Friday I have labs. These tests will be the first to tell me if Chemo has changed the tumor(s) size.

I have so much to write about but have the day planned to spend with Devon, so I'll be back later.

Jeanette, you have been on my mind and I know I owe you a letter! This morning, I had the chance to learn about cane toads . Not nice at all!

Silence

I so apologize for my silence both here and in personal email.

Emotionally and physically its like I am on a serious whitewatering rafting trip and I'm either fighting to keep my head up or trying to tame really out of control steering. I feel quite sane but time is so distorted. Its too fast or too slow. I'm torn up trying to decide what do I do I next. Do I revile in my senses or put my nose to a spiritual grindstone?  Do I pour over oncology journals or just put my faith in what is to be? And then all those big questions that seemed to come to mind when you were a kid looking at the stars and how at first they were sort of neat but then as you aged, you preferred to set them aside for things a bit easier to tangle your mind around....What have I done right, what have I done wrong....

In other words, I am fucking overwhelmed and therefore will remain quiet until I can make some temporary repairs. (could be an hour...could be days) If I haven't responded to your email...I'm not angry or upset. I havent responded to anyone lately.

Calhoun Studios

Calhoun Studios. Stumbled across Mark Flower's work while looking over studios open in Greenville, SC. this weekend. I'm really attracted to the work without have the faintest clue why.

Muse?

A Long Week Ahead

Round 2 of Chemo starts tomorrow. I will have the pleasure of sitting in the same place for 6 hours...

My hair is coming out in bunches now, although its pretty evenly distributed and so far no bald spots. I have this wig coming on Wednesday. I also have 3 head scarfs and some fake bangs already here.

Please know that if I haven't responded to your emails, its only because I have been tired and too busy. You will hear from me soon.

Today I applied for food stamps. As I was walking out the door, an envelope dropped at my feet. It was from my neighbors telling me how much they were cheering for me and enclosed was a fairly large monetary gift. Barb and Michael are very special to me and I am glad they feel the same in return. This was so unexpected though!

To my brother, thank you for your support, attention, and love. It is so appreciated!

Well with 3 days of chemo on the horizon, I'm not sure that I will be motivated to write here...If not, I'll be back in a few days.

Alive In Truth

Alive In Truth  The New Orleans Disaster Oral History and Memory Project